living life with a sense of time

i have been trying to get a handle on things. While i was trying to get a handle on things and failing, i looked to my past, to see how i had done it before. Then i realized that between sporadic grasps, the only handle i had was a fake one, one that i created just to make me feel safe. I wondered if that was what had been holding me back all of these years. maybe i created that handle sometime back in my youth, and since i could always remember where it was, i never felt out of control, never felt like i had to make a big leap to either find a hand hold or fall to my death. The fauxhandle may be both my best and worst possessions. On one hand, i never fell to my death, something that i am pretty sure has been a boon. On the other hand, the giant leap forward never happened, the risk was too great. But now i have lost that handle, and the only thing i do have is a sense of urgency, the only thing within my grasp is scalding hot rock, reminding me that i cannot stay here. However, i have managed to stay here, managed to get my hands burned to the point of bloody, hanging on. I have never made the leap before, the fauxhandle treating me "well" up till now. I have no idea how far of a jump it is, what it would require to get there and once i get there. The main problem might not be the jump, but the landing. What if there isn't a plateau over there, just more sheer rock cliff, allowing me to only hesitate before jumping again. What if i never get to settle down like i did with the FxH, what if i never get to feel comfortable ever again, what if that isn't a bad thing, but what if it is? My hands are pretty calloused, the scalding rock only seems hot some of the time, when i try to rest my head. What if the only way to win is to let go, and enjoy the wind whipping through my much too short hair? what if i need to "give up" on this rock jumping, and instead find a new vocation? i am too tall and too heavy to be much of a rock climber anyway, or is that just another grope in the dark for the FxH? the world may never know, but if i find out, i'll let you know.

Emails out of the blue, have a way of throwing ones life into a frenzy, or at least let one acknowledge the frenzy omnipresent. Emails to professors about meetings always seem to make things better, but email reminders from professors about paper assignments do the opposite. What if i am bad at english? what if there is a gigantic section and study of it that i just cannot grasp. Why am i supposed to care about the personal life of a writer, is it important that i do? Where has my life gone that the one thing i could hang my had on is turning into a faux hat holder? What kind of hat would it be? i would like to think a crisp fedora, but who knows for sure? I know one thing, work and i do not get along. is there something wrong with me, or with work? or is it just one of those agree to disagree, something that you can say that makes every one feel better but doesn't actually accomplish anything.

Blogger wants me to monetize this space. i don't really get the idea of monetization, i mean, i understand in principle, but that shouldn't be as important as layout? maybe settings, but not layout. i think my best bet might be keeping a divorcee company in return for a living wage, i might be able to make that work, but probably not. Since it's work, it would probably make me hate divorcees, like every other industry i have ever worked in. I don't want to hate them though, i like them. maybe i'll find a thousand dollars, there can be bank errors, right? thats what monopoly tells me. five houses equal a hotel in that game though, and i can tell you from experience, that is just not the case in real life. that is about all i know about real life though, and there very well could be a marvin gardens out there, and if it does exist, i bet you all of the signs are painted yellow.

I think i should stop now, or else i will never get to bed, and i like bed, its comfy, and beasty is there, much love for my boy.

UPDATE:

and just so you know, the handle is always fake, but every time you leap, or life forces you to leap, the next faux handle you grab feels a little stronger, in the begining it always feels like you've reached a summit, this is happiness, but the one thing life will teach us, I think, is the only way to stay up there is to keep moving on